another year..

it's been a while since i wrote an entry.  a lot has happened that i feel warrants a longwinded entry.  2008 has truly been a year of change.  since my last entry, i can say there have been a good number of ups accompanied by downs.  although it seems that the number favorable occurrences outnumber the unfavorable ones, its really the magnitude of each individual one that matters more.  unfortunately, there have been few major unfavorable ones. 

at the end of every year i always go through a period of reflection.  i question whether i have made the right decisions throughout the year.  i question whether decisions i have made in prior years have continued to have become good decisions.  but one thing i have not regret yet is leaving my first job at EY to come to blackrock.  since then i feel as if i have gotten my life back. more time to myself.   i work reasonable hours like normal people, with the exception of certain times of the month and quarters.  given the current condition, i could not have left EY at a better time.  i was also glad that i chose not to further continue an interview at a hedge fund of fund that was heavily affected by a recent hedge fund ponzi scheme scandal.  its times like these where sometimes you never realize that you have made a such a good or bad decision until some time passes.  but i have made some realization that some of the decisions i have made years back at first seemed to have been the smart choice at the time, now give me a sense of regret.  its really pointless to keep thinking about it so i just have to keep looking ahead.  i have always said that no matter what decisions i have made, in the end, what shouldnt change is your principles, your core beliefs, and what is it that you have set your life out to do or a life mission.  at the end of the day, you do what you do in accordance to your principles and core beliefs and you move yourself steps closer to what you really want to do with your life.

so i moved in with my bro as of 4 months ago.  approximately 10 blocks away from my old place.  far enough that i dont see my parents everyday and close enough to stop by for a home cooked meal two nights a week.  the incentive to move was really to focus on studying for the CFA.  i had to get away from my parents and two cats.  now one since something happened to the other.  as a result, my quality of life has improved and i have reexamined my spending habits.  my bros been here for almost 5 years.  throughout the whole time, i have always been against moving here only because of inconvenience issues.  it wasnt until now that i was able to enjoy and realize other benefits of being at a spacious place, with better air quality and more privacy. 

i have always held myself to fairly high standards in many aspects of my life.  in recent years i have raised the bar.  as much as i demand some of the best of what life has to offer, i work feverishly and methodically to try to obtain it.  due to some disappointments, i have had to reevaluate some of these high standards.  it all comes down to either maintaining them and just pushing more out of yourself or lowering your standards and start accepting what you have already earned or is readily obtainable.  i am not talking about high standards that arent realistically attainable.  i am talking about high standards where you really have to put every ounce of energy to really get it.  then the question now about relevance.  does it really matter that i am not getting what i want?  to some degree i have always been a cocky kid.  humbled moreso in the past couple of years due to the fact that i am not as talented and smart as i thought i was.  but due to setbacks in prior years and this year, i have had to reevaluate if i am capable of getting what i want.  i have had to further lower my standards.  for me to go through this reevaluation of myself is really a painstaking process.  i am an idealist at heart but a pragmatist in practice.  this is the picture perfect image that i have come to conjured up over time based on everything thats happened to me.  i have always had this image of how my friends and family would be like, my spouse and my community.  every time i encounter a major setback.  that picture perfect image has to change for the worst and i have to think up a new approach that works. 

its been a while..

its been over a year since i posted a xanga entry.. the last time i posted was around january of last year.. much has changed.. new job.. new phone (same number though).. i have started to wear glasses.. some of my short term goals also have changed.. i have decided to take the CFA.. however one thing that hasnt changed are many of my habits and thoughts..

so i am work right now.. i left ernst & young as an auditor and am currently at blackrock.. i am now an investment accountant.. its not ideally what i want to do.. however the economy is pretty shaky right now and the positions that i have been trying to aim at are ont necessarily open.. in fact its the opposite that is occurring..

i felt that i have grown up a bit more this past year.. however much of this year consisted of worrying over various things.. stress level was quite high.. high enough where at times i wasnt able to think straight.. it was a combination of job related.. health related.. family related and market related stress.. i was almost at the point where i took on more than i could handle.. however thats been surmounted.. i have took drastic measures to forge change.. and i am still a work in progress..

one thing about me is that i dont necessarily fear change.. i am open to it.. however theres always that level of uncertainty in which i work hard to make certain.. i was only at my prior job for 18 months prior to leaving.. i guess thats a first among my group of peers.. to have left one employer for another.. it really felt good though.. to leave the dreadful audit world.. the world where i am overworked and underpaid.. redoing the work of other accountants (as if accounting itself was not bad enough).. waiting and harassing clients to give me what i need so i can get my job done.. i would have to say that relative to what i had to deal with.. my position now is so much better.. i no longer go to work thinking to myself what the f#@! am i doing here.. i am focused and am absorbing.. i like learning about investments.. learning about the accounting for them is another story.. its bearable.. lols..

in terms of any things i have been thinking about this past year.. there hasn't been too much.. i normally like to think about specific things and just analyze it.. but since my last entry.. its pretty much been all action.. setting forth the change that i wished to see relative to my goals.. theres also been much reevaluating and reassessing.. many people have always commented about how i have a master plan laid out and that i should be flexible.. i was quite flexible this past year.. many of my short term goals have changed.. however.. the life mission hasnt.. and it never will

i can see some additional changes in the coming months.. till then probably might not be any entries.. for the foreseeable summer in the coming months.. its pretty much gonna be studying for the CFA.. volunteering at UEAA.. and playing sports..

love and relationships.. something i dont write too often about

so in the past couple of months.. i have been watching tons of tvbs.. the main purpose has been to improve my canto.. and it has.. but another result of it has been that a lot of them talk about love and relationships.. 

i feel love has been overdramatized and exagerrated by media.. most of us idealize love and hope to find that perfect mate to spend the rest of our lives with.. and we spend a substantial amount of time fantasizing.. i am no different from most people cuz this happens to me as well.. most of us are constantly exposed to media which shape our concept of that ideal passionate love.. not that i am a pessimist or anything.. but realistically speaking living my almost 23 years of life.. i have come to realize that a small percentage of the population will ever have this ideal passionate love.. some of us have it for a moment.. but few can ever have it for a life time..

the worlds a bit too complex.. many of us get easaily distracted.. many of us lose sight of whats really important in the end.. many of us dont even know ourselves well enough and havent explored enough of the world.. many of us are too afraid of what other people think.. and to truly commit to someone can be a fearful thing..

i gotta say that most even in most relationships/marriages.. you have high divorce rates of about 40%+.. its quite a high percentage and we dont even take into account unhappy marriages and cheating couples that dont want to go through the hassle/consequences of divorce.. some stay together because of the children that they have had..

passionate love in my belief is easier to find when you are younger rather than older.. why do i say that? young people have less to worry about.. they havent been scarred over the years by love.. they are more open minded to it.. this is not to offend anyone. but i usually suspect there is something odd about a person who is close to their 30s that still single.. some for obvious reasons.. but the ones not so obvious i feel that the person has some psychological issues to grapple with.. or it could be that have been hurt by love.. and as a result they either dont believe in it anymore.. or they are just too afraid to invest emotions into a relationship..

as people get older.. and this is my generalization and this doesnt happen to everyone.. women.. especially past the age of 30.. tend to seek security and might want to start a family.. men also.. i think a lot of our parents.. those that are asian.. whose parents met in their 30s.. felt that had to marry.. and not out of love.. but more for security and protection..

love can find itself in strange ways.. although passionate love is ideally what many of us want.. sometimes it can develop when two people have a mutual goal and they work together to provide security for each other.. this doesnt always happen..

views of youth..

in most cases i tend to be a hardworking guy.. i dont mind working hard.. i dont mind inconvenience.. i dont mind discomfort.. but what i do mind is working hard in things i dont believe in or things that i only see as short term.. such as school.. as of currently.. work.. i tend to half ass it..

anyhow.. my average week consists of work during the weekedays.. and on weekends going to chinese school.. volunteering on the side.. physical therapy.. and doing administrative stuff like laundry and other errands.. in terms of the hours compared to finance.. works not too bad.. but compared to the average individual who does a 9-5.. it sucks.. but i really hate accounting.. which amplifies my hatred of work.. so i sit there.. spending a significant percentage of my time checking email.. chatting on aim.. trading my stocks and etc.. trying to keep myself from falling asleep before i head out the door by 7 or 730 everyday..

either way i think its fair to say that i work harder than many of my peers.. and often i am told the cliche things about youth.. "you should enjoy things when you are young".. "you only live once".. "you have the rest of your life for those things".. and i have always fought against those ideas.. i believe that because you are young you should use your energy time and potential to build a foundation for the future..

i come to realize theres two views on youth.. you talk to most people.. they ll tell you to enjoy yourself now or you ll regret it later.. then you talk to some people who tell you to use it as an asset to build yourself something better for the future.. i have come to realize both views have their own merits.. its all about what you want outta your life..

most people at best.. aim to maintain the average middle class lifestyle.. they earn they spend and they are happy.. nothing wrong with that as long as that makes you happy.. but in the end for most people.. their life is pretty much like everyone elses.. they work.. they buy a house.. they go on vacation once a year.. and work till they retire.. depending on how much they got saved at the end is when they will..

then you have those who work hard now.. sacrifcing their youth to build a solid foundation for later.. working hard accumulating wealth and investing it.. they work for a shorter period.. build up wealth and retire early.. enjoying the rest of their lives at an early age..

woohoo

busy season over as of last week.. i have been neglecting xanga.. lols.. its funny how i set this as my home page but have never changed it for the last 4 years.. o wells.. i know who still reads xanga and who doesnt.. unlike back then.. i prefer a selective group of readers as oppose to the mass appeal approach..

anyways.. busy season.. done with and over.. i guess i was more fortunate than most people during busy season.. i did generally 55 hours a week.. didnt have to work weekends too often.. there was this one day last week i worked till 4:30am.. but those days are far behind me.. until next year..

busy season although it wasnt as bad as i thought.. was a grueling experience.. it further reinforced my hatred for accounting.. it took a toll on me physically.. and mentally.. i was doing the audit for a broker-dealer.. god these finance people make a shit load of money compared to us.. them traders.. they work generally around the same numbers of hours as us all year long.. and get paid up to twice as much..

i have learned so much about the financial services.. broker dealers.. ibanks.. hedge funds.. private equity.. it is insane and to some degree almost unfair how much these guys make.. some knowledge of finance takes you a longgggggg way.. with that said.. being that i hate accounting.. i might decide to switch over to do some finance for a short while maybe 2-3 years.. or maybe 5 years.. and then go into law school for public interest law.. public interest law can wait because obviously i am not doing it for the money cuz they dont get paid much.. but i do need a viable solution to make money if i am gonna spend the rest of my life doing something that wont pay much..

more to come later..